The Power of Listening

Written by Francesca Carpenter, Psychologist and Director of Excel Psychology

Listening is harder than you might think.  If you’ve ever been in an argument and the other person says “you’re not listening to me” you know how confusing the idea of not listening might be, because here you are, hearing all the words they are saying and yet they think you’re not listening.  That’s because listening to someone, especially someone you disagree with, is a difficult skill to master.  Here, we break down the skill into smaller steps that make it easier to do.  

The point of listening is to fully understand the other person’s point of view.  Even if you disagree with it, being able to fully understand and appreciate the other’s perspective makes it much easier to resolve conflicts and be able to understand that person’s perspective in context of their experiences and beliefs.  Listening is a complicated skill, which may require some practice of the components, but like any other complicated skill, it can be learned.

Step 1: Make the decision to properly listen

If this is an important topic, one that matters a lot to the person who is speaking, you have to make the decision that it is something you want to pay attention to.  Even if this doesn’t seem important to you in this moment, if the other person says it is really important to them, it might make sense to respect their feelings about it and make the decision to open yourself up to what they are wanting to say.  This is an important first step, because if you approach listening with an open mind, you’re much more likely to understand what is being said.  If you approach it with an attitude of “let’s get this over with” or disinterest, it will be very difficult to take any of the remaining steps.

Step 2:  Stop what you are doing

The next step is to stop what you are doing, put down the thing you’re holding, turn off the TV or iron or stove.  Make space in your mind to focus your attention on what is being said.  It is really hard to listen to someone properly if you are doing something else or your attention is being pulled away by something that seems urgent.

Step 3:  Look at the other person

Looking at the other person allows you to take in their full presence.  They are not just communicating with words.  They are communicating with their facial expressions, with their body language, with their tone of voice, with their choice of words.  There is a lot of information being conveyed in the visual space, which you have to tune in to in order to understand.  Look at them, what do you notice?

Step 4: Suspend your own arguments and retorts

A lot of people listen to other people while looking for the holes in their logic and the missteps they might make in expressing themselves.  It’s not listening if you’re just waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can give them your retort.  The point of listening is to *understand* the other person, not to have a snappy comeback.  Let go of your side of the argument for a minute, you won’t forget what matters to you, and you can consider what you want to say once you fully understand what the other person is saying.  Your response will be a lot more productive and helpful if you understand what the other person is experiencing.

Step 5:  Listen with understanding

This is an important point.  There is a difference between listening to the words someone is saying and listening in an effort to fully understand what the other person is expressing.  The goal here is to understand this issue from the other person’s perspective.  What has happened that they feel this is important, what was their experience, what is the context they live in, what is their life up to this point like and how has this issue affected them in this moment.  Why do they think it is important to communicate this point to you?  This step is all about empathy.  Stand in their shoes, if you were saying these things, what would you be experiencing?  What emotions are they expressing?  What is their body language telling you?  Remember, you are just trying to understand their point of view, you don’t have to agree with it or think they are right about this issue.  Listen with understanding.

Step 6:  Try to summarise what they are saying in your own words and see if it fits their experience

We’re really wanting to understand what the other person is saying, so once you think you understand what is being said, put it into your own words and ask if you understood them.  This has to be done with care and concern for the other person.  It’s not appropriate to mock the other person or diminish what they are saying.  Your goal here is to check that you get it.  They are the only ones who can tell you that information.  Ask for clarification if you still don’t understand something.  

Here’s a complication, though.  Many people hear what they are saying reflected back to them and feel differently about it then, so they might refine or rephrase what their point is at that point.  That’s perfectly fine, our goal isn’t to catch them out, it’s to understand them.  If they need to put a finer point on something or even to change what they are saying because they can see that what they are saying isn’t right, allow them the space to do that without judgment or criticism.  They have the right to change.  This isn’t an opportunity to shame someone for changing their mind.  You will want to have this grace at some point in your life too.  Show them the way you want to be treated if you grow or learn something new.  Welcome the opportunity to understand this new information.

Step 7:  Consider what they are saying.  

You might need some time to do this step.  Let the other person know that you have heard them and that you want some time to consider what they have said.  Give them a time to come back to this that you can stick to.  Ideally, this is some time in the next 24 hours.  Allow the new understanding to sink in.  How does it fit with your understanding of the situation?  What new information has it given you?  How does that change what you thought about the issue?  Allow yourself the space to see this in light of the new information.

Step 8:  Respond compassionately

Compassion itself is a highly skilled response, so this step might need to be broken down into further steps, but the basic goal in this step is to respond in a way that respects yourself and the other person.  Once you have fully understood the other person, and considered what they are saying in the context of your feelings and beliefs about the issue, then respond in a way that considers both of your needs.  Compassion isn’t about giving the other person everything they ask for, it’s about giving them what you think is going to be best for them, without disadvantaging others unfairly.  Some possible responses might be to ask the other person to listen to you in this same way, or you might have a positive solution you want to suggest to them, or you might feel you need more information or to discuss this further.  

It can be useful to remind yourself that the overall goal is to listen with understanding when trying to do so. This can be a great skill to practice in everyday conversations and can result in stronger emotional connections, friendships and romantic relationships.